(This is the first installment in our Ask Dr. Klepper series)
Parents often ask me what they can do to help their children with various concerns. One of the most influential methods parents can use to help their children is modeling, which involves showing children what you would like to see in them, leading by example. Often, our children don’t see us struggle with risk-taking, perfectionism, work ethic, or frustration tolerance, because as adults we have mostly settled in with the activities we enjoy and do relatively well. To teach them skills, we need to be more overt and/or step outside our usual behaviors and talk. Identify concerns you have for your children and then come up with ways to show them how to do better. Be sure to show them various examples repeatedly, even if it’s overhearing you talking to someone else. It may feel like, and be, cheesy talk, but it will help them learn steps to take. Remember, though, to keep topics appropriate. (And, you can embellish some, but don’t lie!)
“I am so irritated! It seems like every time I turned around today, something went wrong. But, I’m home now, and don’t want my day to mess up my evening. I am going to go for a walk around the block and make a list of things I am grateful for and come back in a better frame of mind.”
If you’re concerned with their difficultly in tolerating frustration and remaining calm, model examples for them. Narrate to and show children how to identify frustrations and cope with them. You might come home from a difficult day and say to your child (or to another adult while your child can overhear), “I am so irritated! It seems like every time I turned around today, something went wrong. But, I’m home now, and don’t want my day to mess up my evening. I am going to go for a walk around the block and make a list of things I am grateful for and come back in a better frame of mind.” Then do it!
If you’re concerned that they don’t try anything new or scary, then choose something yourself and let them witness your ups and downs associated with learning something new. “I always wanted to learn to play piano. I’m starting lessons! My time is limited so I found someone to meet with me once a month.” This models time management. Then, model work ethic too. “Man, I do NOT feel like practicing today, but I am going to do at least 15 minutes, and focus on that challenging piece. Will you start the timer for me?” Practice piano while they are doing homework so you’re both engaging in something meaningful, and perhaps tedious.
Also, let them know about your new position at work or having to learn a new computer system. “I can tell I feel nervous about this. I can’t seem to concentrate and my stomach feels weird. Running helped, but I think I’m going to have to start practicing regular diaphragmatic breathing again.”
If you’re concerned with their perfectionism and difficulty handling mistakes, then show them how. “Today I don’t really have the time to do everything I want to do well, so I’m going to have to cut some corners. I’m not going to be able to get the car vacuumed, but I can at least get it washed. That’s going to have to be good enough for now.”
Spill the milk on purpose… on something important. Remain calm! “Oh for goodness sake! What a mess. Could you grab me a towel? Let me see if I can get this calendar dry.” DO NOT call yourself clumsy or stupid or count the ways this is a problem. “Luckily I got to it quickly enough that it wasn’t completely ruined. I’ll be right back; I’m going to refill my milk.” Later, laugh about it. “Well, let me check my curdled calendar.”
As you see them struggle, after you acknowledge their feelings, you can then remind them of a situation where they saw you feel similarly and what you did to resolve it the best you could at the time. As they become more successful in their own right, you can also cite examples of their successes the next time they struggle. Sprinkling statements and examples is more powerful than a lecture.
If you have a question for Dr. Klepper, please email us at pagespringfieldmo@gmail.com for possible submission and response.