The school year is well upon us. Kids, teens, and parents are falling into the routine of a new grade, if not a new school. This is the time of year when parents come to me concerned about their child’s focus and attention, time management, academic priorities, procrastination, and completing homework the way the teacher wants it – all of which fall under the heading of “executive functioning.”
Within executive functioning expectations there exist broad guidelines based on age and brain development, but each child’s trajectory is individual, especially when kids epitomize asynchrony. First and foremost, parents need to keep expectations realistic, based on what the child can accomplish. It is vitally important NOT to compare siblings’ abilities, especially when the younger sibling has more advanced executive functioning than the older one. Such comparison, whether verbalized or merely a voice in the head of the parent, is futile and does nothing to improve the child’s ability. Executive functioning develops over time, and these skills require more conscious effort for kids/teens than adults; practice is critical. Just because they did something successfully once or twice or three times doesn’t necessarily mean they can or should be expected to do it consistently.
Meet each individual child where she is. Be an apt observer and identify where his abilities fall and where they fail. Step in to shape and expand prefrontal cortex abilities. Nagging tends to be less than pleasant for all involved, so pick battles wisely. When there are issues that parents visit with kids again and again, it is important to mix it up and come from different angles. Don’t keep losing the same battle the same way; at least lose the battle a different way!
To improve executive functioning, parents need to help organize a plan and monitor progress. In order to do so, the parent must exemplify reason and tranquility. Becoming emotionally involved in their performance or experience is a no-no. Instead, calmly help them with abstract and concrete aspects such as staying on task and where to have study space. Keep in mind that some people do better with quiet and minimal distractions, while others do better with the radio on in front of a window. Build in rewards along the way and encourage progress in self-monitoring, just as (ideally) parents do for themselves (“I’m not famished yet, so I’ll finish this part and then have lunch.”). When parents know the child is incapable of a task, because they have allowed the child to try it, then the parent can step in with scaffolding and reinforcement.
Notice when the child has succeeded and try to generalize this circumstance. As a corollary, try to avoid circumstances that have garnered poor results. Look for simple environmental modifications. Celebrate progress; don’t wait for success. Anything above baseline ought to be reinforced, no matter how short of the ultimate goal it is. If necessary, reduce demands rather than let them off the hook, “Because you’ve worked on it a bunch, you should stop for today.” If they’re in tears, it’s time for a break. If it’s well past bedtime, it’s time to quit. And, if it’s good enough in consideration of the rest of the demands on the child, it’s time to turn it in – even if the parent knows it could be better. Reinforce effort and progress.
Don’t forget to help them develop skills in the process. Look to them for direction; facilitate them making connections. “How’s that working out for you?” “What did you do the last time you had a problem like this?” “You seem frustrated. Might be time for a break.” “What should you do next?” “How are you going to remember to do that?” Reinforce reflection, self-awareness, and input. Reinforcement can be material, but doesn’t have to be. Praise and fun activities are reinforcers too.
Be a role model of the skills the child needs. Cheesy self-talk verbalizing your own struggles with executive functioning and solutions, or pointing out these strengths and weaknesses in characters from movies/stories is important for kids to hear. Just as you ought not compare them to siblings, you ought not compare them to peers.
Remember, this is all a work in progress. There is little that happens now that absolutely ruins future possibilities. Identify core values and goals. Instill these in the child. Enjoy helping them become who they are.