(This is part of our Ask Dr. Klepper series)
Spring can be a busy and stressful time of year. Very often, for gifted kids, spring can be fertile ground for tension and emotional outbreaks. Between the anticipation of summer, fatigue with the school year, impending MAP tests, IB tests, AP tests, ACT tests, capstone projects, exhibition presentations, and college applications, it is no wonder that even kids who typically keep it together start to show signs of stress. Sometimes this stress manifests as anger, sometime tears, sometimes anxiety. The reactions of these kids and teens are as varied as they are, but the basic coping skills are the same.
Trying to halt these meltdowns in the midst of them is often unsuccessful, and frequently parents find themselves helplessly trying to wait it out, if not losing their cool themselves. The best strategy for these meltdowns is preemptive. Now is the time to get your child on-board and learning skills to better cope with stress, in general and to use in the moment!
First, have a family meeting and discuss how uncomfortable it is for everyone when someone in the family is in emotional distress. Educate that emotions are natural, and no feelings are bad. Certainly it is ok to feel uncomfortable feelings, but staying in that state of discomfort, or often experiencing extreme emotions, detracts from quality of life. Learning to better control feelings and thoughts is possible. Discuss what everyone in the family can do to help everyone better manage themselves.
Diaphragmatic breathing, where the abdomen (not the chest) expands as one inhales through the nose and then flattens as one exhales through the mouth, is one of the most important skills to teach a child. The internet and phone apps abound with information and techniques to make diaphragmatic breathing more interesting and effective. Body scans and progressive muscle relaxation also are important skills. Here, one does a slow, physiological inventory of the body, beginning at the top of the head or at the toes, and working to the other end. The inventory includes checking in with the body to ensure that it is relaxed and calm. Or pretend to be a melting piece of ice—stay still and slowly melt into a puddle of calm. Again, there is plenty of information out there and apps to get, or just use your own creativity.
Cognitive direction techniques (i.e., controlling thinking) are also important. Examples include hyperfocus, where one thinks about an object and when thoughts stray, returns to thinking about the object. Start with 30 seconds and work up to 4 minutes. Additionally, when experiencing bothersome thoughts or worries, make a list of them and a time to consider them. As thoughts come up, add them to the list, and excuse them until it’s the designated time. Another activity is to keep a gratitude journal or list of positive thoughts and memories to help alter thinking and divert outbursts. Refer to these when negative moods threaten. It’s also important to have access to enjoyable activities— loving on a pet, listening to music, doing something creative are all examples. And, a sense of humor doesn’t hurt!
A key component for these techniques to work is that they must be practiced regularly when the person is calm. Initiating them in the moment is likely to be ineffective. Also, even with practice, they may not work in the moment. Don’t give up on them! Using them effectively in the moment requires practice too.
Finally, it is important to catch the meltdown as early as possible and start the techniques then. Work to identify in your child when the outburst is just beginning. Help your child identify physiological signs. Catching it early and using the techniques before everything gets out of control improves the likelihood of success. Celebrate effort and success in self-management, just as you would with effort and success in meeting other goals.
Remember, this is all a process, and perseverance pays off. Building these skills and using them will make a difference, and bring some better coping to spring.